Are you Sirius? Get lost, John Kerry.

America's least favorite Masshole and failed presidential candidate John Kerry can't resist keeping his name out of the press during this suspenseful awards season, scratch that, election year. With everyone from "Saturday Night Live" to Oprah Winfrey taking credit for the latest turn of events in the polls, John Kerry is ever-so-subtly getting his name out there by standing up to the big, evil media conglomerates that want to merge Sirius with XM into one superpower Satellite provider.

Kerry's attempt at playing the tough guy is about as convincing as Mariah Carey in "Glitter". He needs to get over himself already. If having a backbone meant something, he should have demonstrated that during the 2004 election when it would have mattered. Although our nation's turning its lonely eye to a new leader, it doesn't turn to you, Mr. Kerry. You may be one heck of a wind surfer, but you're no Joe DiMaggio.

Staying out of campaign strategery (for now), the horse-faced horse's ass is holding back faithful Sirius and XM subscribers from getting the best of both worlds by filibustering merger talks. As the Satellite radio industry has proven incredibly profitable since Howard Stern became the voice of Sirius just over two years ago with upwards of 12 million subscribers spread between both services, greater audiences have been hesitant to sign on due to indecision, not unlike the 2004 electoral turnout.

While Sirius boasts Stern, Martha Stewart, Deepak Chopra (my new favorite spiritual leader, thanks, Mike Myers) and my personal favorite all-Bruce Springsteen, Rolling Stones and Sinatra channels; XM broadcasts equally exhilarating programming in the form of all regular and post-season MLB games (even the New York Mets), as well as Oprah, Bob Dylan and diet-Stern shock-jocks Opie & Anthony as hosts (though O&A's relevance is open to debate).

With the vital FCC vote standing in the way of a merger, John Kerry has probably stalled our country's progress for another four years. Thanks for nothing, John Kerry. I thought you out of anyone would have tired of 57 varieties.