Ba Ba, This is the Sound of Settling

A new study conducted by a psychologist at the University of Texas-Austin reveals “Attractive Women Want it All: Good Genes, Economic Investment, Parenting Proclivities and Emotional Commitment” in this month’s Evolutionary Psychology. The study found that among attractive women, few looking for a long-term relationship wanted to settle in any of the four areas; and those that did develop relationships compromised on one or more of the categories in order to do so.

Translation: Women settle in order to "land" a husband.

As much as it pains me to admit, maybe women's expectations of men really ask for more than (some) men are willing or more often than not, confident enough to provide. Because women's expectations are so high, maybe we often miss out on "the good (enough) guys" while chasing after an unrealistic ideal of the perfect mate. (Editorial note: and by women, I mean not just me. I have a friend who...)

Even though, we as women are held to an unrealistic standard of beauty, maybe we are just as shallow, when not too forgiving, as our male counterparts are more often considered.

As newly reunited rap duo Salt N Pepa famously rapped:

"My man is smooth like Barry, and his voice got bass/A body like Arnold with a Denzel face"

Whatta Man, indeed. But does thatta man exist? Maybe. Will we exhaust ourselves looking for the perfect soulmate? Probably.

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"My biological clock is TICKING LIKE THIS"- Marisa Tomei, "My Cousin Vinny"

I really don't want to wind up like the "Sex and the City" broads, pushing 40 and resorted to (ok fine, continuing to) trawl the bars for prime meat, but I also don't want to be punished for wanting it all. Manolo Blahniks hurt enough as it is.

In Tina Fey's upcoming movie "Baby Mama", Fey presents a careerwoman with little reproductive options in her late-30's who must enlist the redneck coupling of Amy Poehler and Dax Shepherd to carry her baby to term. Is that what option working girls must select when they've exhausted every effort to have it all?

Trailer for Baby Mama

Alternately, in "Knocked Up," Katherine Heigl's character had a choice to "smash-shmort" the result of an ill-fated one night stand with Seth Rogen's character but opted out for some unknown reason (a fictional movie, oh yeah). This careerwoman took a chance on a pudgy, unemployed stoner burn out and ultimately fell in love with an earnest, loyal, good-hearted person.

While I don't advise chucking one's birth control pills into the ocean as Adrianne Curry just did on the finale of "My Fair Brady: Maybe Baby" to convince hubby Christopher "Peter Brady" Knight of her commitment to the relationship, all I'm trying to say is, don't believe that that you can't have it all if you settle...in love.

I'm not saying we should all settle on the first shlump that looks our way, but maybe there is something to dating a guy, say a little less attractive (in looks, finances or first impression) than our "gorgeous, incredible amazing selves" will allow. (Quotations denoting the mantra my bellydance instructor Chappell tells us after every class)!

It worked on "The King of Queens," didn't it? While my inexplicable fat-man crush on Kevin James might not persuade everyone, how often do my friends and I ever actually fawn over guys that remotely resemble Kevin James or drive UPS trucks? With the exception of one nameless New York-based friend (rhymes with Trashley. Love ya, smooch!) who prefers dating big beasts of men (think the "overserved" Billy Bob from "Varsity Blues"), I can't say many women give up on perfection that easily. ("Ah Don't Want Yo' Life," anyone?)



While I don't condone dating anyone who has blatant disregard for their personal appearance, far too often my female counterparts often settle for...douchebags just to be in a relationship. This can usually be attributed to loneliness, low self-esteem and what Howard Stern calls "daddy issues". The proof is evidenced in another online blog called Hot Chicks with Douchebags , which highlights the phenomenon of undeserving men "landing" a dream girl or woman far out of their league. In Hollywood, we see this all the time, most famously when 1994's Playboy Playmate of the Year Anna-Nicole Smith married near-fossilized Texas billionaire J. Howard Marshall (R.I.P.).

But what if the douchebag has a good personality? As Jonah Hill's character complained in "Superbad":

"Are you out of your mind? Look at Jules' past dating record: She dated Dan Remming who's had a six pack since kindergarten, Jason Stone who looks like fucking Zach Morris, and Matt Mayer. Matt Mayer, he's the sweetest guy ever. Have you ever stared into his eyes? It was like the first time I heard The Beatles."

"Sha, right. And monkeys might fly out of my butt."- Wayne Campbell, "Wayne's World"

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I was hesitant to mention this, but Sunday night, I attended a seminar by psychotherapist/author Katherine Woodward-Thomas who wrote the book, "Calling in 'The One': Seven Weeks to Attract the Love of Your Life" at my church in Santa Monica. I know it sounds a bit hokey but there must have been 100-200 single young men and women in attendance. Just tell a Catholic wine is served and you'll get a turnout longer than the seemingly never-ending Communion line...though I guess wine is served then, too. Details...

I know for a fact that I'm not ready to find 'the one' in less than two months, but I was touched by one thing Ms. Woodward-Thomas pointed out. She told us a happy relationship can not be attained with the same principles one uses to "achieve" promotions, degrees or financial success. Apparently, if you follow her guidelines, figure out what your hang-ups are and other miscellaneous mumbo jumbo, I guess you stop being so narrow-minded. Yeah, yeah. But I know what's best for me, right? And again, I don't want to settle.

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"Cinderella said to Snow White 'how does love get so off course'/ All I wanted was a white knight, with a good heart, soft touch, fast horse"- Faith Hill

I'll be the first to admit I once belonged to a Facebook group named, "Disney Gave Me Unrealistic Expectations of Love" but speaking on behalf of my fellow "gorgeous, incredible amazing," and shockingly enough dateless girlfriends (no, not that kind of girlfriend, but the kind you have playdates with. Ok, this is not helping!), we can't idealize our lives into fantasies. It may not ever be as good as a Disney movie or an ABBA song, Muriel, but it can be damn good if we open ourselves to all possibilities.

This, is what I'm telling myself, at least. Because think about it: a guy with Arnold's body, Denzel's face and Barry's voice would be just plain freaky!