What Happens in Vegas

...stays in Vegas. But have you ever noticed nothing good ever comes from that expression? It's not exactly cool realizing the hooker you just hired to give you a BJ is actually a man. What, like that's never happened to you? Brett Ratner felt it was so universally experienced that he included it in Rush Hour: 3 based on his experiences growing up in Miami as the son of a Cuban-born socialite. Ok, ok so I may not be haggling street walkers to sip bacardi at the afterparty at the Holiday Inn (say what) but I do happen to seek the best that life has to offer (again, I am not Brett Ratner- thank god!); however, I did decline an invitation to join my friends in Vegas this weekend. Why? I must be crazy, right? No, just smart. About some things, at least.

We all take gambles in our everyday life: joining our friends at a Mediterranean restaurant even though we'd much rather have a good old fashioned Whopper; buying those to-die-for Manolos that cost $200 (ok fine, $600) too much that are a half size too small just to prove we can run with Carrie & Co; to going out with that hot Italian guy who resembles DeNiro in his Johnny Boy days who makes our heart skip a beat, even though he only texts us at an hour only Hillary would be up waiting to respond to, as her campaign promised. But, why play it safe?

I hate to reveal the double-cross but the MacGuffin is clear for all to see. No matter where you come from or which exciting city you relocate to, it is all just an illusion. Without hard work, gusto, an unbreakable spirit and a discerning eye (Ratner, I look in your general direction), bad choices are far too often made. While I made the *smart* decision to skip out on gallivanting around Dirty Vegas with the money I should be spending on bills while waiting for my next job to come (hint, hint), I made the rather stupid decision to instead see What Happens in Vegas .

While admittedly I had no intention of seeing this piece of rubbish, I must confess I was overserved a few sips too many at Ugo's Italian Restaurant in Culver City before realizing I should "sober up" at the adjacent cinema. I know, I can't stay away from those damned Italians! They are my weakness but they have the best food on the planet. When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, that's amore! Am I right or what? Fuhgettaboutit. My fecockta excuses are no use. I blame Tori Spelling and those menacing Culver City Red Feathers!



In any event, let's just say Cameron D. does not exactly fit the mold of an overworked-undersexed NYSE broker desperate to make a new life for herself after her dorkus Wall Street boyfriend Jason Sudeikis leaves her high and dry. I also didn't exactly buy Ashton "I need MILF money" Kutcher as the blue-collar construction worker from over the bridge who was best friends with average joes Rob Corddry (member of the geek squad pledging to belong in Old School ) and Zach Galifianakis (self-proclaimed sex symbol to bears aka "over-weight, bearded gay guys”). I LOVE Rob and Zach but they are definitely not fedora-carrying members of Ashton's rat pack part deux (Remember when Ashton, JT and Diddy used to parade around as such before Ashton went for Moore?) Besides, I'm sure all that sawdust would ruin his manicure anyway. And I don't even want to ruin the "surprise" ending with its sappy, over the top, trite dialogue accompanied by whistful music photographed beside a lighthouse in Fire Island. Yeah, it was pretty gay.

All things considered, I did laugh my ass off. And not always unintentionally as I would in a Vin Diesel movie (I'm giving you the benefit of the doubt, Ratner. Chris Tucker and Jackie Chan are right up there with Bogey and Bacall in the showmance department).

Anyhow, I'm hedging my bets double feature style ditching traditional Hollywood fare for Croatia's Academy Awards submission "Armin" about an accordian-playing Bosnian boy cajoled into acting by his overbearing stage father, followed by Harmony Korine's latest "Mister Lonely" co-starring Diego Luna and Samantha Morton as Michael Jackson and Marilyn Monroe impersonators seeking a better life in...Scotland. I can't make this stuff up, folks, but I wouldn't miss it for the world. At least I saved the $10.50 to go to the movies. I'm betting one of these makes up for what didn't happen in Vegas.